Travel tips

Taking a Flight

So you've packed your luggage and booked your taxi to take you to the airport.
The taxi pulls in, and the driver sounds his horn.
You pick up your suitcase and hand luggage and make sure the lights are out. You exit and lock the front door.

In this situation, even though you're well-prepared, there could be an issue if you fly any 1^st world airline.
Consider:

Queueing for check-in could be a disaster. You are in good time, the advised 2 hours before the gate opens.
However ...
- Since shoes need to be removed for inspection, delays are incurred.
- In the highly competitive business of air travel, airlines need to make the money back they lost when you and everybody else bought that discounted ticket. They do this by charging any luggage weighing more than 2.4 grams. This will slow the queue further as outrage and argument stall the queue until airport police sorts it out.
You are now delayed by half an hour and your flight has started boarding at the other end of the terminal. For this reason you sprint for dear life, only to be intercepted by airport police that figure you must be running away from the explosive you planted back in that cafeteria you didn't have enough time to visit.
By the time you board the next flight 12 hours and 3 cavity searches later, they will have taken your tooth-picks, regaine, spare battery and $800 in bribes to keep you off the travel-list watch list.

When flying, you must consider that many laws have been put in place to minimise the risk of you wanting to commit acts of violence you coming to harm on flights. To be more precise:

lighters
Soft drinks, water
Gel (lip gloss, tooth paste)
Aerosols (deodorant, breath freshener, asthma spray)
Sharp items (sharp nails)
Funny jokes (don't say gun unless you are wearing a parachute)
Fear of flying (after all, who's afraid of dying unless you have a reason to?)

So here are the 3 top tips for when flying to your destination:

1. Don't bring luggage if you can avoid it; this way you won't miss your flight and the luggage fee is likely to exceed the value of your luggage, anyway.

2. Be two hours early for check-in. It is better to relax for 2 hours drinking Espresso than it is to be interrogated over being in a hurry.

3. Never smile or crack jokes in an aerodrome, or on a plane. Such is abnormal behaviour and may lead to people treating you with suspicion.

Eating out

So you're travelling and fancy a bite to eat.
You have to do some research on your destination. By example, should your destination be Faroe Islands, you might want to try some nice Pilot Whale.
Also, if going to India, don't ask for the beef burger when the hunger drives you into a Restaurant.
Playing it safe, you will probably ask for "today's special", however be careful as doing so in China might alter your appreciation of dogs; in Japan you might get an upset tummy from too much puffer fish or worse, a bull's testicles when enjoying some Spanish cuisine.

The main tips for eating abroad could be these:

1. Know what you can get away with eating, where you go.

2. if in doubt, DON'T ASK.

3. If on vacation for 2 weeks, why not try being a vegetarian for 2 weeks, just to try it.

Universal tips that should in general keep you safe:

If your pet rat wouldn't eat it, then maybe you shouldn't, either.
If it moves, only eat it if you can identify it.
If it looks like vomit, it probably is.
If the dish is claimed to have special powers, it's usually a dead animal's genitalia.
If still in doubt after reading the menu 5 times, either leave or have whatever the other guy is having.
The more money you pay for a meal, the more you are expected to tip ... keep this in mind when dining in Sicily.
In some cultures, finishing your plate is a polite way of asking for seconds. In others, not finishing your plate is an insult to a machete wielding chef. Research.
Equally, in some cultures toilet paper is scarce in exchange for abundance of sand. For this reason, you may incur some offence eating with more than one hand. Learn which one.
Beware of places that ask to keep your credit card behind the bar. This is why you always should carry a mobile top-up card.

Other things worth considering

There is of course more to eating that filling your tummy, especially when going to exotic places.
Indeed, many people factor culinary aspects into their chosen destination: Should one wish to explore the rich sensations of Mexican chillies or the tentacular delights of Japanese squid-dishes, then these tips should be completely superfluous.
But wait! Eating can also be rewarding in respects other than nutrition.n Consider these:

Like eating but not paying for the meal? Many locations offer local eating contests; from munching prawn to 5-pound steaks. A small amount of research may yield certifications of prodigious gluttony, sure to inspire awe and respect from your peers at home.
If you're from Colorado or Kansas, the thought of an ocean or even coast might be exotic to you. In this case, if travelling somewhere near ocean, try buying a guided fishing trip.
Trying to lose weight? A simple change of plans could both save you money and get you a step closer to that bikini / surfer body, as long as it is Somalia, Kenya or Ethiopia.

Internet

So you bought a new laptop and decided to cause a social revolution with your YouTube account via the adventures of your mission.
You've planned this for a long time and are ready to embark ...

So, now that you're packed and waiting for your 6 day hiking trip, you probably have this checklist ticked off;

You know where you are going, but will this place have electricity? You might want to leave it at home if you're visiting Nepal, Antarctica or the Congo.
Going to Pakistan? Better cancel your facebook page.
China is the future. Or certainly where yours will be cancelled if you have a remote appreciation of freedom of speech, or human rights.
Is your laptop new? Is it worth more than what you have in your wallet? Is it insured?
Before embarking on any cool trip you will have watched some useful movies to brush up on your worldly knowledge.
We're of course talking about Open Water, From Dusk Till Dawn, Hostel and Poseidon.

Dangers of the internet

Don't worry, these are usually exaggerated.
Unless you're the threat itself ... but wait, are you really going to a netcafe in Brussels to hack into the CIA database to re-sell a list of secret agent's identities?
Of course not.

But wait. If you're so concerned about internet access when travelling, chances are the internet made you travel.
To be safe, please consider the following:

You know, he / she could have photoshopped that picture. Actually, you can 100% count on that he / she did. After all, you did.
We all know that you are a philanthropic genius with an amazing talent for business. But just before you bribe those Nigerian officials, are your really sure she is a Princess in desperate need for you to alleviate her $2,124,192,173 bank balance? I mean, she probably is. But maybe she isn't. Double-check.
It is also possible that you are a very noble soul finally accepting that this world is in desperate need for Divine Intervention. Your mission counts beyond anything on this earth. However if your liaison is of a Catholic nature, you may want to bring condoms and / or a gun.

Going by coach

So you've decided to go by coach. First off, this usually works out really good in terms of economy. Per measure of distance, you're looking at a good trade-off between cost and distance.
Now the only issues remaining could be ...

The human factor: You may control your expenses, but you can't control your company. These could be any kind of passenger, not limited to:
- Alcoholics singing throughout the journey, interrupted only by their frequent vomit sessions on the on-board toilet
- Autistic people, shrieking some noise every 6 seconds
- preachers trying to persuade you to repent your ways
Incidentally, the smell of burning rubber caused by the fact the coach being from 1958 and in desperate need of retirement could delay the journey.
Unplanned stops due to engine failure - this could increase the journey so be sure this is not a journey on the way to a waypoint.
Flat tyre
There is, of course the possibility of missing your coach altogether ...

Things to consider

Going by coach is certainly an attractive option in terms of price, especially if you book your ticket well in advance.
However, if it is a time-critical part of your travel plans, it may be worth considering alternative means of transport, say walking.

Tips:

1. Don't go. Just forget about it.

2. Sleeping pills. Value doesn't factor into it when you consider that you'll save money at the expense of psychological terror. Simply take a few pills, sleep for however long it takes and move on.

3. Read a book. Read 2 books. It won't make time pass more quickly however it will make time seem spent better.

4. Get horribly drunk before you board the bus. This way you won't notice much of the insoluble drudge that this journey has had in store for you.

5. Bring a pet to keep you amused.

Q: How can I get the best price on a bus ticket?

A: The internet.

Rentals

So you want to drive your own car.
This is a fairly normal desire and of course, has lots and lots of advantages!

For starters, you don't need to call cabs to get from A to B.
Furthermore, you can drive whenever you want, to wherever you want!

Practical considerations

The legal driving age depends on the country's laws. It doesn't matter that you have a valid licence won't change your age!
Some places won't have officials that can read your driving licence. You may want to consider getting an international drivers' licence if you plan on breaking the speed limit.
Also, whereas it's generally okay to have a single drink before driving, some places operate a zero-tolerance policy that will have you arrested. Be smart!
When renting a car don't go for the Ferrari unless you really have to! These can rack up serious rental bills (and speeding tickets)!
The same applies to seat-belts and cell phones. Don't end up arrested (or worse)

The main tips for renting a car would be:

1. Don't rent the Ferrari.

2. Variable speed cameras that calculate your average speed are very subtle. Don't risk it(Unless you're driving in France)!

Packing Tips

So you're all packed, and your suitcase is filled to the rim.
At this stage, it could be worth considering if your packing was efficient.

For example, have you considered:

Vaccuum-packing? You know, where you put your clothes in a plastic back which you can deflate with a vaccum-cleaner?
Things that are cheaper to buy where you are going, such as clothing or towels?
Stuff that's likely to break? If packing fragile items, consider using bubblewrap - after all, it's not just fed-ex that can break things in transit.
Packing according to what items you are most likely to need a lot - to save yourself the trouble of digging around the bottom of your suit-case.
Are you thinking about bringing stuff back with you? Maybe more things? Souvenirs could take up more space than you left with.
Should you have to pack in an emergency, would you end up leaving half of your stuff behind?

These are things that can become annoying if not taken into consideration.
When packing, don't put your magazines in the bottom of your luggage!

Top packing tips:

1. Don't pack when in a hurry, or when drunk. You will need a clear memory of what you put in your suitcase, and in which order.

2. The less you pack the less you'll lose. Do you really need that thermal underwear when going to Ibiza?

3. Only pack what you can afford to lose. Take into account your luggage is likely to get lost. If packing valuables (like musical instruments) consider taking out travel insurance.

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